I Remember. These two words have come to mean a lot to me over the past few weeks. Sitting down and taking time to reflect over this adventure has been something I have long wanted to do. Now, with time off from my busy summer, I have had the time to do the remembering. I am currently visiting my Aunts in Georgia, helping out while my grandma has some surgeries, and they gave me the opportunity to go to their mountain house for a few days. I spent four days in the mountains among the color-changing leaves remembering. I have come to find out that remembering can be one of the most comforting and powerful things to do. It’s challenging because it requires you to remember everything, even the painful and uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I began this journey prayerfully looking to God to see the way he would reveal himself during my reflection. He showed up.
Psalm 77:11-12 “I will remember the deeds of the Lord, I will remember your ancient miracles. I will reflect on all your actions and think about what you have done.”
I am a completely different person than when I started this a year ago. God has used so many things to change me. I remembered my initial decision to become a missionary. It was so hard for so many reasons. God was calling me to leave everything I thought I had planned and follow him… it turned out to be the best decision of my life.
Going through my prayer journals I found something I had written that struck me. On January 5, 2019 I wrote: “My worries hinder my ability to see God clearly.” I had not remembered writing that, but I was right. When I worry, my actual perception of the Lord is filtered through this lens of worry. God hasn’t changed, but I have changed. No longer am I focused on seeing the goodness and completeness that God embodies, but I am judging him based off of my impatience, worries, and imperfections. Even though my God was still faithful, I was no longer able to see him being faithful. This is what I began to learn: I must force myself to get rid of this lens and focus on God for who God is. I must throw away the lies that are hindering my trust and perception of God because he ultimately sees the things we cannot see.
I wrote a journal of everything I had done this year, keeping track of every way God had been faithful. Even in things I did not remember I saw Gods faithfulness. For example, if I had gone back to Croatia in May instead of taking time to apply to FIM, I wouldn’t have had enough time on my tourist visa to attend all the camps and Petrinja VBS. I also got to remember all the people who I have met who changed the course of my life dramatically. I have made new friends from literally all over the world. (Sometimes I just want to map out all the people I know, just so I can see them all) Before I knew I needed these people, God was faithful to put them in my life. He provided things I didn’t knew I needed, and that is humbling to remember.
Through all the experiences I have had this year, one thing stands out to me. God’s faithfulness. In the midst of trials, in the midst of joy, in the middle of the madness, in the middle of everything God has always been faithful. From the beginning of time God remembered me. He recognized. He knew. He knows. He will continue to be faithful, even when my worries hinder me to see that.
I Remember. I will remember. Praise God for Remembering.